Non so Single White Sociopath

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What is it about female bosses? Now it may just be my Industry- does the creative sector attract sociopathic women what is the allure? Maybe its all female bosses but I seem to keep encountering my fair share of bitches. I have also met some very lovely reasonable female managers- but they seem to be golddust.

My current one is an Italian mentalist. When she is happy you hear her,  sad- there are tears and tissues and boy when she is angry- she has no filter. Its like she thinks she can simply speak to you and treat you like a naughty child and god forbid she should ever be blamed for anything that goes wrong. I mean maybe this is simply a reflection of women as a sex?

Maybe this is why I would make a crap lesbian? I mean, is this what men mean when they say we nag and patronise and act like psycho control freaks? 

Others have told me its petty jealousy. A simple reaction to being threatened in insecure women at the top. They doubt themselves and their own integrity and so trample those below them to make themselves look and feel better.

I have never been a manager- nor frankly would I like to be- I sense you grow a third head and your heart ices over. However, if I ever find myself in that position. I sincerely hope I recall this little rant and remember to treat people better than I have ever been treated!

I’m spinning around

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Well. I officially failed at my first Tinder date. I got stood down. Meanwhile, the boy under the spell of his ex..we shall call him x-man, decided to heat things up last night by showing some interest again and I foolishly fell hook line an sinker for it, only to be dropped from a great height today when he didn’t call.  The worst part is, I have no leg to stand on as technically we are just friends- he has made it so. And you don’t expect your friends to call you every night or text you goodnight do you- yet somehow my foolish girly ways put these expectations on x-man. Crazy- logically I know its insane and a sure fire way to have any man who isn’t ready to commit running for the hills. I mean we aren’t even dating and there I am – psycho girl- demanding to know why I haven’t been texted or called and staring at my phone like a crack addict waiting for the next hit- aka communication from him. Its insane. Why do we do it? 

So in order to take my mind of things, I decided to hit the gym. Now one thing you must know about me. I am not a gym bunny- not even a gym member. I have merely decided, int he absence of anything better to do in the shire where I am currently staying, that this is a form of healthy distraction (from staring at my phone an willing it to ring). I began with pilates, then moved on to aqua aerobic – big mistake, was like pilates but wet and cold and you are outdone by grannie sin swimming caps. However, this evening I made the huge mistake of trying spinning. Now for anyone who doesn’t know what spinning class is- essentially it is 20 people getting hot and sweaty in a room as you pedal furiously through the pain on stationary bikes with a man in lycra screaming at you to go faster and ‘feel the burn’. After 45 minutes, I actually couldn’t walk and thought i might vomit. I was so pleased I was at the back of the room as I couldn’t even lift my leg to do the cool down stretches and practically fell off my bike as my legs had been replaced with those bendy collapsable ones you get on old fashioned toys where you push the base and the donkey collapses- yes that was me! I struggled to even walk down the stairs and how I drove my car is a miracle. Needless to say I shall be spending my £5 more wisely int he future- on a relaxing glass of merlot..

Men are emotional f**ktards

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So, on the eve of my first tinder date I should be happy and exciting about embarking into a brave new world of possibility and intrigue.

But no, instead I find myself sat in my car listening to sad FM and tearing up over a guy who, as they all seem to be at the moment, is unable get over his ex and commit.

Now this is not the first. Recently, it appears, that I keep encountering men who have been so damaged by their previous girlfriends that they are unable to function.  Having found myself recently single, I can understand the pain and frustration of a break up- I can. But where are the men who can’t get over me! It would seem my ex was quite happy for me to leave- in fact he offered to help me pack! A sure fire sign that the relationship was well and truely over. 

However, after being crushed by one guy who was so in love with his ex he had a break down. I unfortunately met him int he most romantic of circumstances- at sunset in front of the Statue of Liberty. We knew each other from the past and had a chance meeting while both on holiday there- this was the stuff of fairytales surely. I mean what were the chances? But the bubble quickly burst when he decided to do what all broken hearted men do- make everything about them and take up rock-climbing/mountain biking/surfing/marathon running (delete as appropriate) they basically become Jason Bourne.

Just as we are painfully reminded of our own mortality when someone dies- and vow to live every day as if it were our last. So, when relationships end, men appear to get hit with commitment phobia like a spade to the face. Suddenly they get an overwhelming desire to prove their independence and being ego centric f**ktards. Now hopefully, as with the realisation that life is short- this is a phase. Just as we cannot live every day as if it were our last, we simply are not built to mentially. Neither can men sustain this denial of a meaningful relationship. Try as they might, another girl will come along and once again their bachelor life will fall by the wayside and they will do everything they can to make that girl happy.

Unfortunately for me. It seems I have now met not one but in fact two guys caught up in this stage. Bad timing, karma, coincidence, who knows..all I do know is that it sucks. 

The latest one went out of his way to convince me of our compatibility. He pursued me with such vigour that I actually didn’t believe any of it. It seems completely inconceivable that anyone could like me so intensely so quickly. If only I had remained that cynical. But just like any girl who has ever watched a Rom Com or a Disney movie- deep down we all want to believe a prince charming will sweep us off our feet and after being consistently told how beautiful I was inside and out, I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.

Low and behold, once again the bubble burst-once I became available and interested, he back- tracked with such speed that I was left spinning on the spot and wondering what just happened. 

So here I now am. Lonely,single and not a broken hearted ex in sight. But before you start feeling too sorry for me. I did choose to leave my long term relationship and I was told by both guys that broke my heart that they were likely to hurt me in the end. I didn’t listen and I got burned. Its what happens when you play with fire. But yet we all still look for the sparks, don’t we?

 

Randy Firemen and Tinder

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So, I have found myself in the extraordinary position of 32 and single and currently hiding in my childhood room to avoid my parents. In short, I have become 13 all over again. It’s funny how when you return to your home to revert immediately into the terrible teen- whether it is introverted, sulky, argumentative or contrary- you suddenly find yourself re-hashing arguments with your parents you had 20 years ago and wanting to slam doors and scream, but its so unfair!

As my mother insisted upon telling me whilst I was growing up, life is indeed unfair. She used to inform me that ‘you think things are bad now dear, wait till you grow up’ and she wasn’t wrong. For all the teenage heartache and hormonal turmoil never really dies away, you remain feeling that age forever, its just teh stakes are higher. You still fight with your friends, you still hate your boss just as you hated the school teacher, you still deal with the bullies at work just like in the playground. The only difference is you cannot justify crying at the back of the bike sheds or booting them int he shins and running away. Well you could but you may get locked up!

So here I am. Single and 31. I often now lie awake pondering what that really means. It seems I live in two worlds. One int he countryside, where I grew up and where my childhood friends have all got hitched and are now sprogging up. The other is my professional life, in the city, where 40 is the average age for first time mums and being single and playing the field seems to be acceptable. The trouble is I don’t know which one I want. I am not sure anyone who has chosen knows either, I am fairly certain most of my married friends are not entirely happy and equally I sense the facade that the single city chicks portray is nothing but a veil of confidence and behind it lies a bunch of women just like everyone else, desperate to find someone to love them.

So how did I end up here? Well, I left my boyfriend of 5 years and made the leap to start again. It took a lot to do it. I am still not sure it was the right thing to do, but I suppose time will tell. We weren’t happy and frankly 2013 was a bitch. His dad died, one of my best friends died, I had a psychopathic boss from hell who forced me to quit and so, along with all that crap, I decided to leave the relationship in 2013. A new Year, a new start and boy is it a brave new world.

Last time I was single I dabbled in internet dating, it seemed straight forward enough. A bit of fun and it never really led anywhere. Since then, at least 3 of my friends are now married after meeting online. And its not just internet dating anymore, its like full on psychometric tests and I swear some of the guys were on there 6 years ago. Not a good start.

So I have been encouraged to brave Tinder. For those of you who do not know what Tinder is, it is basically a phone application that allows you to make snap judgements about whether you find someone attractive based on a cursory glance at three pictures. It picks up people within your GPS area and you then swipe yes or no and move onto the next. If they also swipe yes, then it tells you that you are a match and you are allowed to text each other.

Its like speed, speed dating without the face to face awkwardness but with all the superficial shallowness. However, it is also bloody addictive! In fact I shamelessly found myself bored at a train station recently with an hour to wait and no cafe’s open, so I plugged into a power point outside the ladies loos and was sat seeing who was around. One strike for feminism right there!

Still, my single friends have insisted that this is the way forward and after a month on internet dating and no dates, I have 3 tinder dates lined up.

The only trouble with tinder is its a game of numbers. The more people you like the more matches you have and the more guys you speak with. But then you have to carry on 4 or 5 consecutive small talk conversations over text. Fine if you are good at making conversation but beyond, how are you and whats your story, it gets a little dull repeating yourself. Inevitably some fall by teh wayside. Others stick around.    I have been chatting for a few days with one with a guy who seems nice- not hugely attractive but we have a lot on common and he will be my first date. Another i have hardly spoken to but he asked me out almost immediately so figure why not. The third- well he was a bit more of what I expected on Tinder- all about sexual innuendo and very much hinting about hook ups- though our shared love of Bon Jovi had led me to agree to a date. Of course there are always the weirdoes- a rather fit fireman was messaging me today and kindly informed me that he has already satisfied himself to my pictures- needless to say, that conversation ended swiftly!

Now if I don’t write again, this may be because they are knife wielding maniacs. But I sincerely hope they are just like me. Looking for some fun and the slight hope that they might strike gold and find something more.

So I shall report back after date number one!