As I sit under my blanket on another cold rainy day, absorbing the script of Dawson creek like profound literature and drowning myself with cups of tea and copious amounts of chocolate. I have had a big realisation. Underneath it all, we are all Peter Pan. We never grown up. I suppose thats the meaning of this blog- but today, I suddenly feel catapulted into 1992, I really am 32 going on 13.
So the latest in the saga that is my love life. Well I have now moved into my new flat. Its lovely, great to have my own space and be out from the pitying looks from my folks – those smiles that say ‘we love you’ but behind their eyes the worry that their 32 year old daughter has gone back to square one and hopes for a fairytale wedding and grandchildren have once again been put in a box marked-do not open.
My attempts at Tinder dating have been- well fruitless.I have cancelled more dates than I have been on and seem stuck talking to guys who are geographically not practical- in fact,this week, they have become my agony uncles to my broken heart dilemmas- not really what they signed up for on a dating application!!
X man is up to his old tricks but with a new, crucifying element. The X is back in X mans life. Now I know anyone reading this would be screaming at me to move on, drop it, give up the game and find someone else. But just like a dog with a bone, the more you try to take the bone away, the harder I will grip onto it and fight back. Yes I am the cheerleader in the horror movie , being chased by an axe wielding maniac and rather than run out the front door- she runs upstairs, where there is no escape.
So the x- lets call her toxic girl- contacts x man and he – foolishly replies, therefore letting her back in. Next thing you know she is on the doorstep and they are talking things through as ‘friends’. Well we all know what friends means- if our relationship is anything to go by, so I can only imagine they slept together- I haven’t asked and I don’t want to know.
Either way- she is back on the scene and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been benched to ‘friend’ status but real friends. The good morning gorgeous and sweetdreams sexy texts have been replaces with ‘night’ if I am lucky. As Elizabeth Gilbert so perfectly puts it
It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore– despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have ‘that thing’ even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination– the complete and merciless devaluation of self.”
That woman knows the female psyche inside out. This is where I currently am- the junkie in the corner, begging for scraps of attention- any small hit that gives me a tiny high- a smile, a text, god an actual hug- all these things keep me well and truely hooked on someone who is hooked on someone else.
What is even sadder than this scenario- is his. Because I have been there.
When X man and I met I was in a very unhappy long term relationship and I couldn’t find the strength to leave. On the surface it was fine. He didn’t beat me, we got on as friends, enjoyed spending time together, had a lot in common (and a lot not in common), we didn’t really fight but the fundamental flaw was always the same. I didn’t feel valued, I didn’t feel loved, I gave and gave and he took and took and I never got anything back. I interpreted his lack of consideration and thoughtfulness as the fact he simply didn’t love me- or didn’t love me enough and it spurred me to try harder,, be nicer, and all he did was take more. Because I was failing to see the reality- he is who he is.
What he was giving was all he had to give. Yes we would break up, I would cry, he would cry, we would talk about how we had gone about everything the wrong way and I would beg him to try harder, if he could just try to care a little more, text me when I was away in london and lonely, consider that I might need support in my job too, take the initiative to book holidays or take an interest in what I loved. All these things, in my mind, would show me that he cared, make me feel loved. And for a while it would work but he couldn’t sustain it- because it wasn’t based on him doing it because he cared or was thinking about me. It was because I had asked him to. So it always felt hollow and ultimately he couldn’t keep it up.
I have come to realise that for some people they find it impossible to put others first. It is not who they are. It is not because they are bad people, or even because they do not want to be better people. It just doesn’t come naturally to them to see things from someone else’s perspective or even to consider they may be hurting someone or not helping someone when they could. What they want is a relationship where someone is willing to devalue themselves and give everything up for them. They would equally be horrified if you suggested that- but its the truth- they want to be looked after. Which is fine, as long as the person doing the looking after isn’t expecting anything in return. They will find those people and will make excellent mothers/fathers/friends but terrible partners/wives/husbands. And I have seen many of them around and several of my friends are in those marriages. I did not want that.
No X man is here, stuck, terrified of letting anyone else in case they break him like toxic girl has. I know the feeling of not being able to bear the idea that it failed. It tears you to the core that you couldn’t make them love you they won’t give themselves to you the way you do for them. You beat yourself with everytime you remember the good times -why wasn’t I enough? How can we have been so happy but yet it didn’t work out? Why have I walked away from something and someone that I invested so much of my heart and soul into. ..the self beration goes on and on and I used to do it everyday and it drove me back to my ex over and over and over until I was so broken , nothing he did could fix us.
Then X man came into my life and I didn’t have much of an option but to notice him. Lie a wrecking ball he came in and turned my world upside down. Bombarded me with compliments, texts and affection and beyond I think 2 days , we have spoken every single day since we met. Some of my happiest memories over the past few months have been simply being in his arms on a rainy day.
However, he is in love with toxic girl- he tells me over and over that he can’t be with anyone and now I see why- she has called jump and he has asked how high. He is back at square one- besotted with someone who I fear will only end up disappointing him.
I know where to pick my battles, and that is not one I chose to fight. i can never compete with her and I refuse to enter into any battle for X mans time. I think we could be happy, and it kills me to hear him say he hates being alone and just wants to be loved- he is simply looking in the wrong direction.
This is why I feel 13 again. When I was 13 I was forever the best friend in the rom com. The sad and pathetic fat girl who was hopelessly in love with the guy who was in love with someone else. The one who lends an ear to his heartache, is the shoulder for him to cry on- over her. While the whole time you stare at them wishing they would wake up and just fall for you. On the plus side- that guy from school became my best friend and we dated for 7 years. Sadly I don’t have time on my side anymore. Yet I am still here, being the friend, taking the emotional hits and holding out on the hope that I will be catapulted from best friend to leading lady.
Anyway- that is the sad and sorry update of the saga of my life. I am off on a tinder date tomorrow- finally- and he is another cute 28 year old- so who knows, maybe I will find my prince charming elsewhere