So, here is the thing. Mr X and I are at a standstill. I am in New York, he is in Morocco. Before we both left, things had taken a turn for the better. As per my previous blog, I had pointed out to him that he had been less than a considerate fiiend and in fact was displaying many of the traits he had complained his ex girlfriend had and that he hated. This appeared to hit a nerve. The result, he came back being a better more attentive person. He was communicative, affectionate, fun and thoughtful. However, give the guy 10 days on surf sand and 5000 miles between us, and you have a different guy. One who is distant, unaffectionate. It wasn’t like that at the start. Oh no when he first arrived, and hadnt settled in, I was once again his emotional scratching post or crutch. There to text intensively for support and reassurance and comfort. I was told how I was missed and 10 days out there was too long. but given time to climatise- and the tables have turned. Where I embraced my adventures and gradulally become home sick, he works backwards- fearing the trip, getting anxious and then once settled, not wanting to return home.
So anyway- where does that leave us? Who knows. Waiting to see what lies at the other end of our adventures. I have had many levels of advice whilst out here from people who barely know me and certainly don’t know him. their um-biased view is that I will end up hurt, he won’t give me what I need/want and I am fooling myself by sticking around. They are right. But yet I continue to do it anyway.
It would seem, among my judgemental ways of critisizing Mr X for his emotional ineptitudes. I have swept over my own. Glossed over the facts of why I seem so persisitent in making this work. I mean what is it I actually like about this guy. We have so little in common in theory. Our personailities are different. In fact he bears a fair few traits of my ex that I was glad to see the back of. Am I replacing my ex? Why am I drawn to guys who seem so apparently wrong fo rme?
I think the answer lies in my boredom. Just as I freelance because the concept of a permenenat job terrifies me. I fear,I avoid people whom are nice but boring. The safe, stable reliable ones. I want to hear stories of adventure, I want to feel like someone can invite me into their world, a world I never dreamed of and tak eme along for the ride. I can do dull, hell I am the queen of the safe option and of the easy option. I need someone who will ensure that the last thing I do is become bland, boring and domesticated. Sure I want elements of that. I think I need elements of that. But 2.4 kids and the same life day in and day out- it terrifies me. I guess in an odd way I challenge myself with these men I choose. I am attracted to their sense of adventure. Thei confidence, their worldliness- all the things I do not naturally posess- unfortunately, my everyday dullness is less than intriguing to them. I am more of a trundle along with the odd elelment of surprise. Occasionally I’ll mix iit up and go snow boarding, or take off to New York on my own or throw myself out of a plane. These are my moments of proving to myself I can be adventurous if I want. But I do not want to spend my life filled with a constant adventure. I need a level of stability of normaility a sense of building toward something. But without the impending feeling of doom that all the excitement slips away as you get older.
I suppose I have realised that much of my ‘flaws’ do sadly, as with anyone, stem from my parents. I have been given all the essentials to survive. I am a practical minded person and put me in a crisis , I will perform. However after, I will crumble. Once the dust has settled, I will be a wreck. As what I do not have, is the emotional backbone to ride the wave. I can look after myself. Certain friends look in awe as I trek off to another country alone. My parents find it hard to comprehend how I live the rollercoaster of unemployment that is freelancing. These are all practical survival things. I have cocooned myself into a place where I can afford to go on holiday if I want, I can survive out of work for a while, I can sort out the practicalities of moving house and starting my life over following a break up. I have the skills to keep buggering on. But what I don’t have , is the ability to be happy doing it,
As in my previous post, there is this odd obsession in society that we must find happiness alone. That it makes us weaker people to crave the companionship of another or others. I can survive alone. I am perfectly capable on a practical level. I am financially independent. I can cook, I can socialise, I can do all the things necessary to display a seemingly normal life alone. But I am not happy. I do not understand if this is me, is everyone else just faking it? Or lying to themselves?
When I explained to the chinese lady I was staying with that being alone is hard, she quite rightly pointed out everything is hard. being married is hard, having kids is hard, so why shoudl being alone be any easier.
However, I do feel that this all stems from a lack of emotional support, I love my parents but my Dad worked all the time when I was a kid. My mum was always there but she is not a naturally maternal nor nurturing person. In fact I quote her in saying ‘What would there, there’s actually achieve?’
Now I look at my grandmother- my mums mum and I can see why my mother is like this. My grandma is the least sentimental person I know. Things simply ‘are’ as they ‘are. Having grown up int he war I imagine this is the mentality you have to adopt when you come home from school unsure if your house will still be standing or your family alive. However, this attitude has spread to my mother. Who woudl sit int he dentists waiting room with me as I cried with fear telling me to pull myself together as I was embarrassing myself. Its not that I wasn’t loved, its not that my parents wouldn’t move heaven and earth for me. Its just the basic fundemental emotional empathy, was never there.
And so I have inheritied the consequence. I know the fundementals of how to ride a bike and how to swim badly, but I never had the emotional understanding to push me that much further and make me confident. I have the education and I have the career I wanted, but I do not have the personal sarisafaction or feeling of fulfillment or that I could achieve anything. Or more importantly the freedom to not worry if I don’t.
My parents lack of emotional understanding has led me to seek it elsewhere,. I rely too heavily on others to fill this gap. I look to partners for reassurance, friends for self confidence and my peers for recognition.
I do not know how to break this – how to fix it- I feel i am hard wired this way. All I know is that if i everhave children. I hope I can do both. I hope I can produce healthy well rounded kids with the practical nouse of my mother and the emotional intelligence of me.