Sooo. Today is a good day. And for me- lets face it thats pretty rare. So I felt compelled to write about it. X man is away- I am missing him terribly,in fact I feel a bit like a teenager again but I like it. Regardless of the heartache, the roller coaster of emotions. I am filled with positivity today as I feel like I have choices. I have my future back. So far I have not really mentioned my ex much. Lets call him Mr Blue. Well we met in a night club, I wouldn’t say we hit it off straight away- in fact the opposite. While my best friend was making moves with his best friend I was scanning the crowd and ended up getting his attention by essentially insulting him- the real treat em mean to keep em keen. I didn’t believe he was a policeman and I couldn’t believe his dance moves- he was zoolander incarnate. However, he was cute, hot and best of all funny. That was it- we went on two dates that week and I was hooked. 6 months later we had moved in and 12 months later we bought a flat.
It was doomed from the start if I am honest. Our differences were glaring. He liked beaches, I liked cities. He went away for a month every year without me.He loved shopping I hated it LOL. But there were a lot of things we both liked- buying a house gave us a mutual purpose- we scoured DIY stores and flea markets to fill our home. We were nesting and it was the glue that held us together. Even when the cracks appeared- I would paper over them.
Over 5 years he ended is on a 6 month cycle. It actually just became expected. He would have a ‘moment’ and decide it was all over. Because we couldn’t communicate and things would build until snapping point over something tiny. It was never really about the thing we argued about- but yet he never actually left. I do wonder how long we would have lasted if we didn’t own our house. Forget marriage- you can divorce by proxy. Dividing a house, the solicitors, the estate agents the dividing of things that you mutually lined your nest with – thats harder. As my favourite book of the moment Eat Pray Love says- the only thing scarier than leaving was not leaving.
I felt trapped on a jugger naught going no-where. I couldn’t plan for the future because It was so bleak that it depressed me. realistically it was all headed towards marriage and the huge kids or no kids- a question that has plagued me for a decade.
I actually recall crying at a wedding with Mr Blue, because I looked abound and realised it was these people who would be at my wedding and it depressed me. They are all lovely- well most- but I just always felt like an outsider- like they were waiting for the next ‘more appropriate one’. In fact several family members, including Mr Blue’s sister said as much! I am sure they feel very smug with their ‘I told you so’ smiles right now.
So it got to the point where I could no longer fight it. For 5 years- the worse he treated me, the more he let me down, the harder I fought. The more ‘good advice’ I ignored. A strange defence but I genuinely believed if he would only be nicer, be more thoughtful, we woudl be happier. But that wasn’t him. He wasn’t cruel spirited (well actually he was after a few ciders but not sober) he was and is simply selfish by nature. He does not naturally empathise with others, it wasn’t just me. I would know more about his family and friends than him, because I would ask. I would check in, I would remember the important dates. Suppose many men are like this. But then I met X man,
He swept me off my feet- showed me a man who was caring, thoughtful and kind. and I realised that was what I wanted. Needed, in a relationship. So I had to go and find it.
I am an only child and when my parents go- there will only be me to pick up the pieces. I need to build my own support unit and I am far from strong or stable at the best of times. I need someone who can make me laugh and smile but also who I can lean on and turn to in times of need Mr Blue only filled half of that criteria.
So here I find myself, going on dates, searching for a spark of something. Someone. So I met with a tinder date today. On a random whim. It was the most successful date so far in terms of things in common. But the elusive spark remained hidden. Once again I got the ‘lets meet again’ at the end then the confusing texts essentially backtracking with the subtext of ‘not looking for anything serious’.
So I will continue on my hunt, but one thing I feel good about. My future is uncertain. I have no job, no boyfriend and not even a flatmate right now. But in all its uncertainty, the one thing my future isn’t is set in stone or bleak. Its filled with opportunity. Sure I could end up a crazy cat lady being eaten by them because no-one finds me. But equally I could find love, happiness and my own prince charming who makes me happy. And I would rather have that gamble, than be sky rocketing towards a marriage I see no happiness in and a future that suffocates me..
So today is the first day of the rest of my life. Cliched, but true. As a dear friend told me- you will never have a MArch 1st 2014 again- so make the most of it. You will never be this young again so enjoy it. Life is for living