the way the cookie crumbles? maybe i should bake cakes next time?


Soo. This evening is the first time I hear from X-man since his adventures to foreign shores. This past ten days has been an eye opening experience of just how easily your emotions can be led by another. Most people would argue that to give yourself up to another to the point that your happiness lives and dies with them, is beyond crazy- its a recipe for disaster in fact. You should make your own happiness and then you are with people out of choice not necessity.

Well all I can say is I bow down to those who accomplish that. It is a skill I have yet to master and wonder if I ever will. I am naturally empathic by nature- I don’t just sympathise with peoples pain I feel it if I care about them. And so it follows that their actions will always create an emotional reaction in me. 

Is it healthy? probably not. Is it how you should be – almost definitely not. However, is it how I am- yes. Can you change who you are? Sometimes. See this is where I encounter difficulty. On the one hand these holier than thou ideals of how we should live our lives, tell me that not liking being single and alone, that giving yourself to another completely, that putting others happiness before your own, are all bad. Life should be about being strong, independent and resilient. yet, in the next breath, these same principles suggest you should never compromise on who you are, never try to be someone you are not- so how do I do both?

A classic example has been my actions towards x man. On the one hand I adore him, on the other I resent him. You see I have come out of one relationship where I was constantly chasing for reassurance, to feel valued, to feel like I was someone’s number one. I have somehow ended up there again. Now logic would dictate that I would have learned my lesson. That I would run for the hills and seek out a better more promising relationship.

But logic isn’t my forte. That requires being rational and using your brain to make decisions and I think with my heart and go with my gut.

So when I spoke to x man this evening and he was the happiest I have seen him since I have known him. He was literally acting drunk on happiness because he had such an incredible experience. It was lovely to see him so happy and elated, especially after his torment with the ex that he left the country with. However, the other half of me resented it. Not that he was happy but that being away, being out of of the country and so excited by a world that has nothing to do with me and never will. I won’t lie, it stung. I listened for an hour as he went on about how awesome everything was, how he has missed travelling, how he was sad to be coming home etc. Now I know that this euphoria may not last. He is in a bubble and its easy to feel that way when you are out of the loop. He claims to have gotten over the ex, to have a new attitude to life and not let her back in. I have heard it before. I have trusted it before. So who knows how long this new found x man will last. But what became abundantly clear was that I have no place in his life. He has managed to achieve the earlier mentioned status of happy, independent and not reliant on another person. 

However, I do not know what to do or what feelings to trust. I am aware that Mr Blue made me miserable with his travels because we did not share his experience, but he chose to leave for a month at a time- for x man it was work- but it triggers off the same feelings of rejection, of betrayal, of feeling last in line, not second best to a person but to a lifestyle and a destination.

x man is back home n 2 days so I wonder how long this attitude will last?


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