According to the rhyme, sugar and spice and all things nice are what little girls are made of. This seems like not only a sweeping generalisation but a wholly mis-leading one because as we get older we start to like boys, made from slugs, snails and puppy dogs tails and we are taught that what they like- are bitches.
So in recent events, mr X has now returned from Columbia with a new outlook on life. Now I understand his predicament – he is young and torn between growing up and doing what makes him happy and finding that balance. Its tough, we all do it and he will figure it out. He has even gotten over the ex- so I suppose he is no longer x man either!
This is all very positive for him, great in fact. However, the by product is that I have become collateral damage. During the saga that was ‘the ex’ it would seem that my place quickly went from being the centre of his affections to being the back up that he used as an emotional scratching post to ease the pains of the affection she wouldn’t give him. I was the sounding board for his heartache, the fill in for the physical contact and the all round doormatt that happily got worn down as he paced and paced from pillar to post. Now however, I am worn down. My purpose or place holds no significance. I have done my job and just like any other household item I have been thrown out on the scrap heap.
He has taken one look at me in isolation, now he no longer needs my services and rather than the sexy, mysterious, slightly sarcastic and fiesty girl he met 3 months ago- I now appear weakened, used and damaged. He has done this but also I have allowed it.
Because when someone I care about is in pain, especially pain I have felt myself, I feel compelled to do what I can to stop them hurting. I instinctively respond with the kindness I hoped someone would have given me in that situation. When I was hurting as x man was with his ex, I could see the pain and the self destructive behaviour that I myself felt over Christmas. At that time X-man was kind, caring, gave me the cuddles and kisses that made me feel safe and reminded me there was hope, he made me laugh and he promised he would stick around and catch me if I fell. So I responded in kind.
However, this has now apparently back fired. As in my sugar and spice ways, I knew this birthday would be tough on my own, especially with the emotional baggage that last year held – my ex’s Dad died on my birthday- and because I have lost a friendship circle over night- so when x-man said he was worried about spending his birthday alone and got pulled to go abroad for two weeks- I figured he wouldn’t have time to organise anything so- in my demented ‘being nice’ brain-I thought I would organise a few of his friends to go to a bar I knew he had been wanting to go to.
As a result, he found out, he flipped out and decided we needed to cool things off because people had started asking questions about us and he had just got back and told me that he didn’t want a relationship or even to say we were seeing each other so this did not go down well! They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, well I seem to have built a highway to hell!
So x man arrives at my door to tell me- as many men have before- thanks but no thanks. I like you but not enough, you’re hot but not relationship material etc etc I was expecting this. What I wasn’t expecting was then a character assassination about my kindness. According to x-man, my nice gestures and kind intentions come accross as a sign of insecurity and as if I am trying too hard. He sat there and told me that it pushes people away, that its too intense, that it makes others uncomfortable, That no-one, ever had organised anything like that for him , not even a girlfriend let alone a friend and so the whole thing just- well looked pretty awful to someone who was trying to tell me they didn’t want to be in a relationship.
Now some may say I screwed up- I should have seen it coming, others, may feel I was only being nice. I could have taken the hit of it being too much for him- as I do see it as more of a reflection of the lack of thoughtful people in his life so far. However, what really stung was the notion that he feels being overly nice to people could be why I have no friends- apparently.
I did point out that in 31 years not one friend had ever accused me of being too nice, too intense or too thoughtful. In fact they usually complimented me on it and in fact it was one of the very very few things I actually prided myself on. That I was a good friend, a kind person and I not only considered other peoples feelings but tried to help if I could. I suppose a sense of karma, put out the good shit and hope something comes back.
So now I am stuck- on the one hand I want to remain true to myself, on the other, clearly, my single status, my lack of a large social circle and the seeming demise of me and mr x- all suggest I am doing something wrong. So I am now on a mission to reconnect with my inner bitch.
Funnily enough, a random acquaintance got in touch and said the last time they saw me I had a guy in tow acting like a lovesick puppy and was getting good boys into lots of trouble. It is true, when I was a teenager it seemed I could get the guys I liked, I put on a front, it was aloof, cocky, judgemental, essentially treating them mean and boy were they keen! Somewhere along the way i lost that. I guess because those boys, were just random pulls on a night out. For those I genuinely cared about, it wasn’t that simple. My lack of respect for me or them seeped into causing pain and I cheated, I hurt people and I didn’t like myself. Yes I had guys but I am not sure how happy I really was?
So somewhere- there must be a balance- a way to retain my dignity, my positive thoughtful traits, whilst also not allowing myself to get walked over and in the process lose the respect and interest of the guys i fall for…maybe I should aim for less sugar and spice and more sweet and sour!