After a particularly bad week I am back. The problem with depression is its so difficult for people to understand. They tell you to snap out of it. They tell you to think positively. As if its that easy. It’s a lot like trying to get someone to retrieve a 1 ton concrete block from the bottom of the swimming pool by just telling them to try harder and put more into it. It won’t change the outcome and frankly you feel like you’re gonna drown trying.
So the reason for my latest dance with the black dog is Mr Ex. Yes, he is up to his old tricks again. After an evening of food, cuddles, kisses and laughter, he left my flat and went off the radar. Not entirely of course. The joys of social media meant I was able to torture myself with how many times he was logged onto facebook and a stream of photo updates showing his dalliances with the girl from his birthday. Joy. And so I gave him space, I let him be. As Men are from Mars tells you, men are elastic bands, let them stretch and they will ping back. Well frankly Bollocks. Let them stretch and they will find a second anchor point elsewhere and straddle both!
Anyway- after many days of ‘taking to ones bed’ as the Victorians did to sleep away the days. I decided enough was enough. There had to be a reason behind this latest shun and I concluded- based on previous experience- it was because he was feeling low and thus lashing out and shutting down. I was right.
Rather than doorstep the situation like a door to door salesman selling friendship, I decided that the best thing to do was create a simple but effective card that told him I was thinking about him and to get in touch as I missed him. Big mistake. It achieved the right result- he called, but only to have a go at me about leaving notes at his door and not knocking or calling like a normal person. My attempt to not pressure nor confront him and create a situation- resulted in exactly the opposite reaction my card had intended.
Anyway, once he had calmed down- we had a nice chat and things got a bit better. Communication was reinstated to a degree but he explained he could not see me as I made him weak and vulnerable. Apparently my kindness and care was not what he needed as he felt he would abuse it and fall into it and he needed to stay strong and away from relationships and women. Apparently- living up to his name here- Ex man had an ex like me. Whom he had a very happy and successful long term relationship with but it ultimately fell apart because he got with her whilst heartbroken over his ex and for the first year she comforted and helped him through his turmoil- sounding familiar? Well yes but also, they broke up for many reasons and I am not- again- his ex.
Sigh, and so the ignoring was replaced with telephone calls and texts but a continued refusal to see me in person. Until last weekend, when he faltered but I was busy and then last night- I needed s place to escape- he provided shelter and my intentions of simply staying an hour turned into me staying over- at his request.
So here we are- square fricking one. Why he can’t simply let us enjoy each others company like we did at the beginning. He has made it acutely aware we are not in a relationship and he can’t handle one right now. But the constant fighting of enjoying each others company is tiresome and unnecessary.
It made me wonder why I appear to end up with these dysfunctional men. These emotional fuckwitts who fail to be able to commit or communicate or seemingly fall in love with me.
The conclusion? Well I think its because I am fundamentally broken. I battle with depression, low self esteem, insecurity, body image issues, I am pretty much in a brawl with my own psyche on a daily basis. So I am looking or someone, not to fix me, but to accept me for these flaws and lost me in spite of them- maybe in some cases because of them. The only people who can truly understand what its like to daydream of no longer existing or feeling the compulsion to simply sleep because being unconscious doesn’t hurt- these broken and bruised people are my people. Now I do not want a co-dependent relationship- I know the dangers of that. But I do feel that I need beyond sympathy- I need empathy for someone to truly understand my being and I simply could not spend my life with someone who hasn’t been through the wars and can know how I feel when I say I am feeling blue for no particular reason.
In addition to this, I think I have a natural compulsion to want to help people, make them feel better- because I want people to make me feel better. And I think that, like everything in life, the most rewarding connections and experiences are usually those achieved in the face of adversity or challenge. To break through someone’s defenses, to know that you are special enough to know the real them and accept that they save a secret smile for you and only you. It means so much more than someone who freely gives their love to just anyone. The love that is won seems more valuable than that given freely and without caution.
So here I am. Stuck in middle with him. Neither friend nor companion. Possibly this will never change. But as long as I continue to feel the need to fight the fight, to win the war and carry the hope that maybe one day things may change. I guess I am going no where. So I best don a hard hat!
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