The non Job

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Today I had a job interview for what – I am reliably informed- is my dream job. The opportunity to be a Development Producer in my favourite city- New York.

When I applied for this role- it was a punt- I didn’t expect to get an interview. However, once I was offered one and told people. Their reaction was unanimous- I would be mad to turn it down.

However, my gut reaction was that I didn’t want it. 2013 was the worst year I can remember. This year was a fresh start- after 5 years with a man I thought my future would be with, I was forced into the realization that it was never going to happen. I wasn’t happy, but as I have mentioned in previous blogs- happy and me struggle to meet eye to eye. So I had to look long and hard at what was missing that would make me happy. My conclusion- family, friends, a partner. These are what I value most. Experience is great and I want that too.. but ultimately, I want to come home at the end of adventure and currently I have no home. I need to build a home, a space that I feel safe, a friendship circle that I know I can rely on and work towards a relationship that will hopefully end in a family- what ever form that takes.

I am not a career driven sociopath. I look at my managers and wonder why on earth they would sacrifice seeing their kids grow up for their work. I see the stress take its toll, I see their whole lives and moods being dictated by whether work is good or bad. Now I do want a challenge- I want to feel fulfilled in my job and I am creative- I could not do a 9-5 office job but I also want that life work balance.

What I do, how I achieve this, I simply don’t know. But what I do know is that the role in New York means dedicating my life to my work. It means giving up the seemingly small but actually huge steps I took to start building a new life and destroying them in favour of a new path. 

Now this has led to looks pity from those who crave excitement and adventure. But I honestly believe that its easy to feel that when you are not looking at the reality- the practicality. Just like with relationships, its easy to fall in love with the idea of being in love more than the person. New York sounds glamorous, but its not. In the most expensive city in the world, the rich poor divide is huge and I would most certainly not be rich.

So unsurprisingly, Mr Ex is acting like a prize douche. His reaction was to support me – but on his terms- he wanted to support my decision to go. Help me get the job. The second I mentioned that I may not take it- he turned on me. Tried calling me up on my insecurity and fear.

You see for Mr Ex- he may as well come from another planet when it comes to understanding this decision. He is about adventure, exploration etc- which I am certainly not adverse to. I would like to believe I have done my fair share of globe trotting too.

This decision however, is based on knowing myself. On knowing that despite the opportunity it provides- I also feel like its not for me right now. Now Mr Ex pointed out I am unhappy- which is true (lets ignore that he doesn’t help matters for the moment!) but fundamentally I am still in a period of transition.

5 years with one guy, a house, cats, our little unit – all over – I need to find out who I am again, I need to re-assess what I do want. Part of that process includes making difficult decisions. I applied for that job to see what my heart and soul would tell me if I got it. I don’t know what the outcome is but I do know already that it told me, this isn’t it. That is not going to fix me. More uncertainty, more temporary measures, more stress. Not for me. Not right now.

However, in the week leading up to the interview, things with Mr ex were going surprisingly well. I stayed at his, he came to mine, it was all ok but in the back of my head I was waiting for it to fall down, for him to walk away..again. So what did I do- I made it happen. I am my own worst enemy. Instead of chilling out and relaxing in our casual encounters. I decided to push it one step too far and suggest it would be nice to do things outside of the flat, outside of our mutual misery. You see it was beginning to feel like he only wanted to see me if I needed a pick me up or he did. I kept asking if he wanted to hang out as friends, in the pub, at the cinema, going for a walk etc…because I do that with friends, which he claims we are, but as soon as I suggested it he turned it into me asking him to be my boyfriend.

 So knowing he flipped out about this, and knowing he had gone out drinking with the wicked witch previously mentioned from birthday dramas. In the morning I got some cold and distant ‘good luck’ message. Which I pushed and then got ‘I don’t have time for this’…well I didn’t have time for extra stress on the morning of my interview. That would have been bad enough but he then felt the need to send a cruel message telling me I should shut up, that I should stop giving him shit for not replying to a text (which I have never done) that he is not my boyfriend now and never will be (I have never asked him to be) and I should take the job, move to New York and go. Nice!!!!