So I spent a week learning to swim. Yes I made it to 32 without being able to. So I enrolled on a residential course and decided to face my fear. Oddly I discovered my fear of failing was worse than my fear of water. I tried my best and survived being endlessly touched up by my instructor, being pushed to face my fear of being under water head on and came away feeling high off a challenge met and conquered. I am no Tom Daley but I certainly made more progress than every before- I just need to keep it up. This is actually the hardest part. I am good at trying things, doing them, ticking the box- I am not good at carrying them on. I move on too quickly without getting really good at anything.
Meanwhile, in love life news.Following The declaration from x man – I set off to my swimming week and the moment was not discussed. However, was incredibly supportive. He called me everyday, texted me supportive messages every morning to pep me up. His conversations included telling me how he felt we have more chemistry than him and his ex and a what are we going to do ?’ – which frankly I slightly bulked at. I mean seriously? What did he want me to say? He chased me, I fell in love, he backed off and ever since I have made it perfectly clear what I want and he has been less than clear. So asking ‘me’ what we are going to do is a lot like asking me what I am going to do to save the dolphins- I mean I know what I’d like to do- I love dolphins- but realistically I can’t single handedly save a species and I can’t single handedly make this relationship work. Its a two way street and currently he has right of way.
So I return and I have hope- the most destructive of all emotions- that we may be headed in the right direction. Then, you guessed it, he turns up at my door drunk…and declares he ‘is’ in love with me. I woudl have been flattered was it not immediately followed by the words’ urgh I’m gonna be sick’.
Needless to say I didn’t believe nor trust this statement and so put him to bed and waited to see what he had to say for himself in the morning. Well come morning he did say he remembered what he said and meant it but also started to pull away.
And so it began- the distance, the freaking out as he’d gone too far this time. After several happy days together the nuclear bombshell was dropped- he told me he was scared to hurt me as its what he does. That he wasn’t committed to me, if a hot chick walked in- well he would go there. He told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, didn’t want to feel he was in a relationship that required commitment and so it went on.
Now if that was ‘all’ he said, well it woudl have been easy. But in-between by head was spinning as he said ‘oh no why am I doing this?’ and ‘ Part of me just wants to run away together’ and ‘ it would be so much easier if I just went out with you’.
Soo.. I drove him to work, we kissed and I drove away very confused