So not written in a while. Things have not been great in my world. Despite attempts to put my courage to the test, to put myself out there, challenge myself. I keep trying to be brave in order to prove something…but I just seem to end up back at square one.
People say don’t give in to life, live it to the max..I try, I’ve gone on dates, I took up scuba diving, I set off to Italy for an adventure..I have left my futureless relationship started over, got a flat, found new friends, got a job..I have really really tried but I’m not happy. Far from it.
Part of it may come down to me Ex. I am still hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. The constant roller coaster of hope and disappointment should be sign to leave. But just like an alcoholic can’t put down the bottle or the drug addict turn down the chance for once last hit- I am addicted to this one. I always am, and just like addiction, I simply don’t seem able to move on or get out until I have hit rock bottom. I just can’t, I don’t have the strength to walk away from the temporary fragments of comfort, affection and happiness I do get. I can be at the lowest of lows and one hit from him- a text, a hug or a conversation and I’m on the biggest high. Once again I’m right back in the bubble of hope.
I recently had a bad weekend thinking about my ex- Mr Blue. He posted pictures and videos of him and other girls, looking happy and like he has moved on. I know he sheds no tears over me. They never do. Any guy I get with, I am always in deeper than they are and they move on and I am left picking up the pieces of my heart.
The worst part,is I can’t even get mad at him because I don’t want to be with him. I was unhappy, I don’t hate him, I don’t want him to be unhappy, I just feel like a failure and I cat even feel sorry for myself as I was the one who walked away. I get angry at myself for not leaving sooner, then I get angry that I am repeating history with Mr Ex and then I just end up in a heap of self pity.
None of it is constructive, all of it hurts and I can’t see an end. Everything feels like a struggle. I don’t want to be that pathetic girl who needs a relationship or to be loved to be happy. But I am. Its the one thing I have never really had or felt.
No-one- not even my family, has ever really known the real me, the whole me, the depths of despair and the highs of happiness, I have some friends who got close. But I guess my fear is when people do know parts of me, they leave. I have never been popular. I have always been a bit of a loner with a single best friend or a couple at most. I know people don’t like me.. I have grown up with that. I know people do not understand me, I have grown up with that too. So maybe that is why I so desperately seek someone who does like me, who does get me, who loves me in spite of everything or even better- because of my flaws.
A friend recently asked why I bother with Mr Ex- In fact several have asked that. They don’t understand why I would want the drama or stress of someone so unstable, broken and damaged. It always makes me laugh as they simply have no idea just how I am also all of those things. I would not want someone who doesn’t understand that, in a very strange way I need another me- I need to believe there are people who don’t care about that stuff because they see the person behind it and love the person who is who they are because of it.