the little things

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It terrifies me to consider how I feel. The reason is simple, despite all human logic, when we let ourselves be open to falling in love we give up control. We have to lean into the uncertainty, have faith to leap into the abyss and accept that someone else now has a certain control over our happiness.

Its the sacrifice and risk we take and thats why its called ‘falling’ in love because when you hit the ground it can hurt. I struggle to reconcile my romantic ideals with the reality of what life has dealt so far- as I know you do- but I cant, no matter how hard I try, extinguish that hope, that desire, to share a life with someone as I just fundamentally feel that without Love, whats the point. But that means giving in to it. Facing the fear and doing it anyway.

Its not easy, its not to be taken lightly but its part of human existence and to a degree, the irony , its beyond our control. We spend so much time attempting to protect ourselves, fearing the pain we might feel the hurt we could be subjecting ourselves to if we follow our hearts. However, in reality, we can’t stop ourselves falling in love anymore than you can make yourself fall in love or stop yourself falling out of love. By its very being, love is an uncontrollable force. Trying to trap it, force it or ignore it, is like trying to hold onto air.

For me, its always been the spontaneous little moments that I notice like the way he will kiss my hand or pull me into him when we spoon, The way he will go straight for stroking my feet because I told him once I liked it, or the way he lines line haribo up on my leg when we watch a movie and always give me the hearts, or know that I like a pillow to rest my head on when I cuddle and when he has to turn away he will entangle his feet in mine so we still touch.

These things are the things that matter- equally the memories are always the little ones, the kiss in the rain, the night on a sofa watching christmas movies but more importantly the morning after when he pulled me under his duvet and said he didn’t want to get up, the fact that on christmas eve he went out of his way to sit in a random pub and cuddle, the morning he crept into my bed and told me he was were addicted to being in my arms and had been waiting for me to wake up and the walk on the beach that felt like a new beginning. , the support he gave me calling me every night while I was learning to swim and letting me wake up to a text that brightened my day …all these things and so many many more, they all account for how I feel.

Equally I love his quirks and traits, his obessive nature over things and the unboundless enthusiasm he throws at them, the way his smile lights up a room just and he will talk to anyone and everyone who will listen, the passion he has for the things he loves, like surfing and diving and the willingness to share with me his most personal thoughts, dreams and fears. They are what matter to me, not the rest. Those are the things I will remember and those are the reasons that every time he told me he no longer had feelings or didn’t want to be with me, I found it hard to believe. Those are the things I will remember no matter what

addicted to drama scared of commitment??

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So I haven’t updated this in a while. Quick re-cap. I now have a job but the decision to take it has led me to some revelations about me and my thought process.

So as with all jobs, nothing for ages then two come at once. Not he one hand, I had a corporate style company chasing me, wooing me with words and compliments, attempting to entice me into their ranks. On the other, I had the small independent company I was currently, temporarily, working for. They didn’t seem too bothered if I stayed, I received no compliments about the work I had already done or about me as an employee. On top of that the corporate company had a long term contract on the table, the small indie- could only offer a limited level of commitment with no guarantees.

So which one did I pick- the indie of course. My best friend pointed out the parallels between this decision and my love life. My strange ability to pursue the impossible, to choose the guys who treat me badly, take me for granted and offer no future or commitment. So I began wondering why is that?

Am I commitment phobic? Well having at least 3 long term relationships and a mortgage under my belt…I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse. HOWEVER- no relationship was ever guaranteed and I never saw a genuine clear future with any of these. I bought a flat with Mr Blue but drew up a contract that had a clear cut get out clause and ensured if we wanted to bail out, we could rent the flat and still be ok. I made a risky decision, I dipped a toe in commitment, but always with a back up or get out plan. I had made sure it was safe, low risk and not binding. Proven only by my subsequent walking out of the relationship and handing over the flat and all my belongings to Mr Blue I wanted to start over.

So back to my job decision. I stuck with the company I was already working for- safe/easy. I took the short term contract- a get out if it goes wrong and I took the one who didn’t flatter or make promises- honesty and safety in the negative (it can’t get worse- things can only get better).

I suppose this is the same with Mr Ex. He can’t offer me a future. In fact he has insisted for months that he cannot commit to me, yet I pursue it. I take the hits and keep coming back. My friends look on in despair, insisting I am stopping myself from being potentially happy with someone who treats me well, who wants to be with me, who would love me.

The question is, why do I insist on staying with these boys. I can only assume its the same rationale as the job. I stay with these guys because I am familiar with the pain, with the misery, with the hopeless quest. I know the outcome. I will end up broken hearted, they will never change and I will continue to hope they always will. It sounds insane even writing this but in the chaos is logic.

What is the alternative? Losing yourself with someone who makes you happy? The fairytale ending- this so rarely happens I can’t seem to pursue it. Its odd because I crave it- I do- I dream of it in fact. However, in reality, the real world, its like trying to believe in Santa when you know he isn’t real.

I find comfort in the drama and I think on some level I get addicted to the hope. The highs are higher because of the lowest lows. What I fear the most is monotony and routine. I dread being bored, I run from commitment because I think I like not knowing whats coming next. Rather than stability I think I crave safe instability. I have money, I know I can be unemployed and still pay the bills and have a roof over my head, all the while, the chance for pastures new, adventures etc remain constantly on the horizon.

The same seems to be with my relationships. Even the last 5 years with Mr Blue- I tore myself apart over our instability, over him leaving constantly, the never ending anxiety over whether we had a future. While in the end, I left because I hated not being able to plan the future. What I craved, what I needed, was to feel that underneath all the arguments, the stresses of life that everyone and every relationship faces, there was a fundamental love. An unrelenting bond that gave me the safety to express myself and not fear that it would push him away. I never had that- I had no control, no safety net, so I tied myself up in knots trying to keep him and please him and make myself someone I’m not.

But why? I clearly didn’t want to stay, I must have known it was going no where. But maybe I found comfort in that. comfort in the certainty it was going no where rather than the uncertainty happiness brings. Where does that go? What guarantees does that bring? It brings certainty that someone can rip out your heart and destroy you. Once you give in to the happy- you are vulnerable and I don’t care what people say about not letting others control your happiness- when you are in love that is exactly what you are doing. You are handing over control of your emotions to someone else.

So the question is- what happens if Mr ex turns around one day and says lets do it- woudl I run a mile? Am I only so infatuated because of the drama and chaos and the certainty that it will end unhappily?

this is where I am right now. Mr ex has taken an odd turn. After two very happy weeks, he flipped and asked for space to think. 3 days later we met back up and he said he had missed me and how people at work had commented how happy he had been up to that point, but happiness scares him- for all the same reasons as me. Suddenly you have something to lose.

So the past week we have been back on seeing each other terms and both, seemingly , very happy- but also both equally terrified. I feel in a state of constant terror that it will be taken away but its a feeling i am used to. A feeling i possibly even thrive from. What happens if we were to become just an ordinary couple? Doing boring ordinary things? Where would the drama and the highest highs come from- would it plateau?

Well I suppose I may never find out.

You tell me that you are different
I’ll be saved and I’ll be lifted
It’s not easy but I’m trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I’m high and dry
Every time I think I’m one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you’re gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you’re gone