So I haven’t updated this in a while. Quick re-cap. I now have a job but the decision to take it has led me to some revelations about me and my thought process.
So as with all jobs, nothing for ages then two come at once. Not he one hand, I had a corporate style company chasing me, wooing me with words and compliments, attempting to entice me into their ranks. On the other, I had the small independent company I was currently, temporarily, working for. They didn’t seem too bothered if I stayed, I received no compliments about the work I had already done or about me as an employee. On top of that the corporate company had a long term contract on the table, the small indie- could only offer a limited level of commitment with no guarantees.
So which one did I pick- the indie of course. My best friend pointed out the parallels between this decision and my love life. My strange ability to pursue the impossible, to choose the guys who treat me badly, take me for granted and offer no future or commitment. So I began wondering why is that?
Am I commitment phobic? Well having at least 3 long term relationships and a mortgage under my belt…I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse. HOWEVER- no relationship was ever guaranteed and I never saw a genuine clear future with any of these. I bought a flat with Mr Blue but drew up a contract that had a clear cut get out clause and ensured if we wanted to bail out, we could rent the flat and still be ok. I made a risky decision, I dipped a toe in commitment, but always with a back up or get out plan. I had made sure it was safe, low risk and not binding. Proven only by my subsequent walking out of the relationship and handing over the flat and all my belongings to Mr Blue I wanted to start over.
So back to my job decision. I stuck with the company I was already working for- safe/easy. I took the short term contract- a get out if it goes wrong and I took the one who didn’t flatter or make promises- honesty and safety in the negative (it can’t get worse- things can only get better).
I suppose this is the same with Mr Ex. He can’t offer me a future. In fact he has insisted for months that he cannot commit to me, yet I pursue it. I take the hits and keep coming back. My friends look on in despair, insisting I am stopping myself from being potentially happy with someone who treats me well, who wants to be with me, who would love me.
The question is, why do I insist on staying with these boys. I can only assume its the same rationale as the job. I stay with these guys because I am familiar with the pain, with the misery, with the hopeless quest. I know the outcome. I will end up broken hearted, they will never change and I will continue to hope they always will. It sounds insane even writing this but in the chaos is logic.
What is the alternative? Losing yourself with someone who makes you happy? The fairytale ending- this so rarely happens I can’t seem to pursue it. Its odd because I crave it- I do- I dream of it in fact. However, in reality, the real world, its like trying to believe in Santa when you know he isn’t real.
I find comfort in the drama and I think on some level I get addicted to the hope. The highs are higher because of the lowest lows. What I fear the most is monotony and routine. I dread being bored, I run from commitment because I think I like not knowing whats coming next. Rather than stability I think I crave safe instability. I have money, I know I can be unemployed and still pay the bills and have a roof over my head, all the while, the chance for pastures new, adventures etc remain constantly on the horizon.
The same seems to be with my relationships. Even the last 5 years with Mr Blue- I tore myself apart over our instability, over him leaving constantly, the never ending anxiety over whether we had a future. While in the end, I left because I hated not being able to plan the future. What I craved, what I needed, was to feel that underneath all the arguments, the stresses of life that everyone and every relationship faces, there was a fundamental love. An unrelenting bond that gave me the safety to express myself and not fear that it would push him away. I never had that- I had no control, no safety net, so I tied myself up in knots trying to keep him and please him and make myself someone I’m not.
But why? I clearly didn’t want to stay, I must have known it was going no where. But maybe I found comfort in that. comfort in the certainty it was going no where rather than the uncertainty happiness brings. Where does that go? What guarantees does that bring? It brings certainty that someone can rip out your heart and destroy you. Once you give in to the happy- you are vulnerable and I don’t care what people say about not letting others control your happiness- when you are in love that is exactly what you are doing. You are handing over control of your emotions to someone else.
So the question is- what happens if Mr ex turns around one day and says lets do it- woudl I run a mile? Am I only so infatuated because of the drama and chaos and the certainty that it will end unhappily?
this is where I am right now. Mr ex has taken an odd turn. After two very happy weeks, he flipped and asked for space to think. 3 days later we met back up and he said he had missed me and how people at work had commented how happy he had been up to that point, but happiness scares him- for all the same reasons as me. Suddenly you have something to lose.
So the past week we have been back on seeing each other terms and both, seemingly , very happy- but also both equally terrified. I feel in a state of constant terror that it will be taken away but its a feeling i am used to. A feeling i possibly even thrive from. What happens if we were to become just an ordinary couple? Doing boring ordinary things? Where would the drama and the highest highs come from- would it plateau?
Well I suppose I may never find out.
You tell me that you are different
I’ll be saved and I’ll be lifted
It’s not easy but I’m trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through
Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I’m high and dry
Every time I think I’m one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why
All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you’re gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you’re gone