It terrifies me to consider how I feel. The reason is simple, despite all human logic, when we let ourselves be open to falling in love we give up control. We have to lean into the uncertainty, have faith to leap into the abyss and accept that someone else now has a certain control over our happiness.
Its the sacrifice and risk we take and thats why its called ‘falling’ in love because when you hit the ground it can hurt. I struggle to reconcile my romantic ideals with the reality of what life has dealt so far- as I know you do- but I cant, no matter how hard I try, extinguish that hope, that desire, to share a life with someone as I just fundamentally feel that without Love, whats the point. But that means giving in to it. Facing the fear and doing it anyway.
Its not easy, its not to be taken lightly but its part of human existence and to a degree, the irony , its beyond our control. We spend so much time attempting to protect ourselves, fearing the pain we might feel the hurt we could be subjecting ourselves to if we follow our hearts. However, in reality, we can’t stop ourselves falling in love anymore than you can make yourself fall in love or stop yourself falling out of love. By its very being, love is an uncontrollable force. Trying to trap it, force it or ignore it, is like trying to hold onto air.
For me, its always been the spontaneous little moments that I notice like the way he will kiss my hand or pull me into him when we spoon, The way he will go straight for stroking my feet because I told him once I liked it, or the way he lines line haribo up on my leg when we watch a movie and always give me the hearts, or know that I like a pillow to rest my head on when I cuddle and when he has to turn away he will entangle his feet in mine so we still touch.
These things are the things that matter- equally the memories are always the little ones, the kiss in the rain, the night on a sofa watching christmas movies but more importantly the morning after when he pulled me under his duvet and said he didn’t want to get up, the fact that on christmas eve he went out of his way to sit in a random pub and cuddle, the morning he crept into my bed and told me he was were addicted to being in my arms and had been waiting for me to wake up and the walk on the beach that felt like a new beginning. , the support he gave me calling me every night while I was learning to swim and letting me wake up to a text that brightened my day …all these things and so many many more, they all account for how I feel.
Equally I love his quirks and traits, his obessive nature over things and the unboundless enthusiasm he throws at them, the way his smile lights up a room just and he will talk to anyone and everyone who will listen, the passion he has for the things he loves, like surfing and diving and the willingness to share with me his most personal thoughts, dreams and fears. They are what matter to me, not the rest. Those are the things I will remember and those are the reasons that every time he told me he no longer had feelings or didn’t want to be with me, I found it hard to believe. Those are the things I will remember no matter what