Well it’s been a while since I wrote on here. Its not been a good start to 2015!
So lets rewind back to Christmas. 2014 was the first year I have dreaded Christmas. Usually its the most wonderful time of the year but last year, it seemed to have a black cloud above it. The first christmas I have been single in over 8 years.
However, there was a ray of sunshine in the form of Mr x. Where last year we met and i had a magical festive time texting until 5am..now we had ended up in a weird limbo and had reached our one year non year anniversary. We went for a drink a the lido and after a long romantic talk- the impossible happened. We left to walk home and he turned around to ask me out. Yes he actually asked me to be his girlfriend. I swear I nearly fainted!!! Was this really happening? Had this whole year finally been worth it, was it going to be a romantic christmas after all and a new start for a new year?
So after saying yes (obviously) I dropped him at my flat as I had an appointment and immediately texted everyone I knew the good news. But something didn’t feel right- it didn’t seem real!
I grabbed a bottle of prosecco and pizza to return home with as we had agreed to spend our first night together as boyfriend and girlfriend. However, when I got home, my worst fears were realised. He was acting strange and freaking out.
He said we needed to talk and said it didn’t feel right and he couldn’t do it and he was sorry but he couldn’t go out with me. Honestly, its like being told you have won the lottery and then realising you read the numbers wrong. My heart was ripped out but yet at the same time I didn’t feel suprised- just outraged.
He said he should leave and so I sent him packing with the huge box of presents I had bought him for christmas (11 presents each representing a different aspect of his personality) – he looked like a told off school boy and left telling me he loved me. I mean WTF!
So christmas came and I ignored all contact- and he did try, many times. By Boxing day the guilt got to me and I cracked, I texted to explain I hadn’t opened his present as I had left it in Bristol. He responded with small talk and I soon uncovered he was on his way back to Bristol having had a huge row with his mum and left her packing up the decorations and in tears. This boy!
So after convincing him that however annoying parents are, at christmas we have to suck it up and make nice for a few days so he should head back as he will only feel guilty. So he did but then asked if I woudl come with him!!! Being the idiot I am and int he face of being driven insane by my parents and not he brink of having my own outburst at home, I agreed.
So there I found myself. Sat outside his mums house. About to meet the mother in law I will never have and see the boy who has made my dreams come true and then instantly crushed them within an hour. A record!
I met him at the door and had the most bizarre boxing day I have ever had. His mum was lovely, nervous but very sweet and eager to please. Mr x decided to be very couply with me and was hugging and kissing me in front of his mum so my head was left spinning. I drove home at midnight against the rain and hail and wondered what was next.
Well, what came next was silence. He once again freaked and pushed me away. I decided I could take no more and could not face spending new years in Bristol or at home.If I was going to be alone i may as well be somewhere nice. So I booked a cottage in Devon (a plan me and mr x had originally had before the dumping incident).
So I packed my bags, filled the car with enough alcohol to induce a happy coma and enough food to make me obese and left. I felt sad and happy all at once. empowered maybe. I was doing this on my own, I was going to spend a week in the stunning countryside taking pictures, watching movies, getting up at midday if I wanted staying up till I wanted, drinking when I wanted…it was going to be bliss. Or so I thought.
I was admiring the tranquility of the countryside, the way the first made the trees look like a winter wonderland when I hit ice. My car span out of control and I left the road and ploughed head first into a mud bank.
when I got my bearings and realised I was in fact in one piece, I got out of the car and assessed the damage. It was bad. very bad.
Alone and freezing i called the police and the AA and waiting for an hour to be rescued. The police arrived and very kindly sat me in their car to warm up. Meanwhile my phone was ringing off the hook with Mr x. He had seen my picture I had posted on instagram (an hour is a long time to wait and I got very bored). The messages came flooding through- I’m sorry, call me, I love you, where are you?, are you ok? Eventually I texted to say I woudl call him when I was near a phone at the cottage as my battery was about to die.
So hours late I arrived at my idyllic cottage and dragged my poor broken car to its door. I dragged my broken self (bad whiplash) inside and looked around. I wanted to cry, the shock was wearing off now I was safe and the reality that I was now also stranded in Devon without a car.
I called Mr X and he insisted that he immediately drove to be with me and bring me food. An unnecessary kindness considering the amount of food I had brought with me but a gesture that I needed. I tried fighting it, saying I didn’t want him to come just because I had an accident…I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted him there or not. But he came and 2 hours later he was at my door telling me how much he loved me.
So the week changed. It was no longer about me and my head space. It became about us and what we were doing.
We went for a long walk on the beach where he reminded me how it wouldn’t work between us. I listened and couldn’t respond. He had asked me to save his boxing day, then pushed me away, then come all this way to be my white knight and pushed me away again. So what could I do. He said he would have loved me to go to Australia with him in March but he knows I don’t fit in there, ( thanks for asking!) the whole conversation once again flagged up he has no idea what he wants. I tried to explain he always wants what he can’t have. the grass will always be greener and I fear he has put Australia on a pedastool and once there, still won’t be happy. He spends so long worrying about repeating the past int he future that he never actually lives in the moment and appreciates or considers what and where he is now.
This seemed to be a revelation to him and he decided to live in the moment and we agreed that this week would be just that. Living for now, enjoying now and making the most of it. So we did. We had a lovely week of movies, great food, walks and sex. It was fantastic, our own little bubble.
However, once back in reality, the bubble burst again eventually. We had turned a corner, he told me he could finally see a future in the UK…but it didn’t last. The hot and cold carried on.So much for a new year and new start.
Then came Valentines day. Things has been great in January and then he started to back off. Australlia and V.day were both fast approaching and both held a lot of expectation and fear.
After taking me out for two lovely mess, two days in a row and a lovely weekend.He went silent for no reason and I didn’t see him on V.day but a few days later I met him to give him his card and present and he suggested we meet to talk.
We had spoken on text previously and he had told me that the reason for his distance was fear of losing himself. That he had gotten too close and needed to push me away as he would fall for me and lose himself…so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
So I arrived at his flat to a candlelit meal. He was distant but friendly, but not affectionate. We talked about him and turning 30 and his approaching holiday to Australia. We cuddled on the sofa and he said we needed to talk but I didn’t want to. I had made my mind up to write him a letter to give with a journal I had bought for his travels and 30th. It was a personalised one with the adventures of Mr x on the front. The idea was to set him free to see what this really is. If the grass was greener for him, so he could go to Australia and see what lay in store. I essentially wanted him to weigh up the options and make an informed choice and not feel like he has any ties to me to do that. Sounds insane but the logo was that if he did chose us or me, it had to be 100% from him and not due to guilt, duty or fear.
However, things didn’t go to plan. He decided to end it there and then, he told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, that something was missing. When I tried to reason what was missing was an actual relationship, it didn’t seem to hit home. He brought up the surfing and diving again, told me I wasn’t adventurous enough (gee thanks, ignore the sky diving, snowboarding, couch surfing me then).
I got angry, really angry, I cried in front of him for the first time. I was so hurt that the reasons he was using to say it wouldn’t work were all false claims. He had never seen the whole me, insisting instead to pigeon hole me into this mistress that on;y saw him behind closed doors. Without the freedom to socialise, have fun, go on holiday, how could I ever show him that side? I have never seen that side of him either, only heard about it but I don’t deny it of him.
So I got mad and slammed a door on the way to the bathroom. When I came out he flew at me. Threw my bag and boots out the door and demanded I leave. He shoved me, called me a psycho like his ex and lost the plot. Oddly I wasn’t scared I just saw a guy hugely angry with himself and his solution was to lash out at me. It doesn’t make it right or forgivable but I could see this wasn’t malice, it was pain.
I refused to leave and eventually convinced him to calm down and hug me as I didn’t want to leave him in that angry state. He did and said I wasn’t like his ex as she never loved him and said he was sorry. Then I left.
The following day he asked if we could go for a walk and I was so hurt and angry I ignored it. I took the day off work and hid under a duvet sobbing most of the day. He tried calling and gave up and texted to ay he wanted to apologise to my face but if I wouldn’t talk to him then so be it.
I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the week. I pondered over whether to give him the journal and letter. It all seemed so insignificant now. Fraudulent even. However, I realised if I didn’t give it to him I would always wonder what would have happened if I had. I was scared to re-open the wound and get rejected again…but I could live with that more than the regret and ‘what if’.
So I dropped it into his work and waited. A few hours later I got a text saying thank you and asking to meet. I was away so couldn’t but he asked to call at the airport. He was leaving that night! I couldn’t believe it, I was so convinced it wasn’t for a few days and had I not dropped the journal in when I had he would never had gotten it before he left. Maybe it was meant to be.
He called int he evening and we made small talk. He thanked me for the journal and the letter but was very cold. I felt it was over. We agreed to talk through the letter when he gets back. But I am not sure i want to.
He has only been away for a few days now and its torture. I spend everyday thinking about him. However, when he gets back it will have been a month of distance between us. Maybe by then I will be some way to getting out of this unrequited love and moving on.
If we talk, will it take me back to square one and I will be in misery again. Who knows…time will tell.