The secret to happy…anyone?

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What is the secret to happy? So mr x and I are still in our merry dance. 2 ½ years on. Only this time it really does feel like its coming to an end. He is ignoring me more often, pushing me away. He admits freely that I make him happy and what we have works but claims something is missing. I just don’t understand why he won’t give it a chance- choose me, choose us, choose happy.

However, he doesn’t, won’t maybe even cant. Can I really hold that against him. Throughout my therapy course I have been taught that one of the highest qualities any counselor needs to have is the ability to show empathy. To see things from someone elses point of view. This is a quality I think I have always had. It comes naturally for me but often I simply choose to ignore it out of hurt or spite or anger. But eventually, however hard I try, I start to consider things from the other persons perspective and reason, excuse and justify their actions. I am unsure how you can be empathetic and resilient at the same time. How do you protect yourself and stand up for yourself if you can see why the other person is causing you harm?

Anyway, as usual the end result of this is that I am once again alone – not literally, I have a housemate (though she is moving out) and a dog now and cats and a family and a smattering of friends. However that isn’t really what feeling alone is about is it? Its about loss of connection. You can be surrounded by people but if none of them really connect with you- then lonliness seeps in like a slow enduring rot.

So what is the solution? Meet new people? Seek new connections? Seek a new home. They say home is where the heart is but my heart belongs to someone who doesn’t want it so I am homeless. My family certainly doesn’t give me a sense of home. Our beliefs, interests and values are so juxtaposed that there has never been anything but disconnection there.

So maybe a fresh start? A whole new place a whole new country even. A new career, anything? I feel like I am drowning in the familiar and suffocating from the boredom of day to day life. I simply trudge through the week attempting to make it to the weekend but then when it comes you have nothing but more emptiness that actually brings you lower than the enforced day to day work life.

Its sad, I can literally feel myself wanting to shake myself and say all the usual cliché’s.. I want to scream- but you are in control of your own life. You can do anything, be anything the world is your oyster, don’t waste it. God knows I am very aware of those now passed who would have loved the opportunity for the time I have.

But I feel paralysed by the uncertainty. I have no deep set passion to do anything, all I feel passionate about is not wanting this to be my life. However, without a direction to go in what do you do? Give up the stability of an income and a career is scarey. But is it scarier than another 5 years passing you by doing this?

My fear is that I will never be happy. Its funny I spend so much time telling mr x how he avoids happiness, how he runs from it, pushes it away like a revulsion. However, I really am no better. I too do not appear to be able to achieve happy and when I do I pick at it like a scab until its gone. I feel uncomfortable being happy, because I know what it feels like on the other side when you lose it. The comedown is always around the corner.

I cannot think of a time when I was last happy. Maybe happy is the wrong word- I have been excited, elated, I have laughed and I have had fleeting feelings of pride but not ..content. I suppose I don’t strive to be happy per se, that’s unachievable. I simply want to feel content, happy with my lot. To look at my life and know its not all amazing but I am pleased to be where I am and not afraid if it stays that way.

Yet I fear content at the same time. What if content gets boring? I’ve never sustained happy or content well. The trouble is no matter where I am I bring myself along. The pessimist, the over thinker, the critic..all the things that destroy happiness and content are embedded in my personality. I do believe I am also kind, thoughtful have the ability to be caring and loving…but I am in a constant battle to redeem myself with these traits from my more natural state of being- negative.

I am scared if I am honest. Terrified that I am not cut out to deal with life. The simple stresses and strains that everyone else takes on the chin overwhelm me at times. I just don’t understand how everyone else does it. I find life exhausting, I find being me, exhausting.

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