Changed blog

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Hello fellow followers. I have changed my blog to http://www.tryingtosurviveturning35.wordpress.com. Please swing over and keep reading:)

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The secret to happy…anyone?

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What is the secret to happy? So mr x and I are still in our merry dance. 2 ½ years on. Only this time it really does feel like its coming to an end. He is ignoring me more often, pushing me away. He admits freely that I make him happy and what we have works but claims something is missing. I just don’t understand why he won’t give it a chance- choose me, choose us, choose happy.

However, he doesn’t, won’t maybe even cant. Can I really hold that against him. Throughout my therapy course I have been taught that one of the highest qualities any counselor needs to have is the ability to show empathy. To see things from someone elses point of view. This is a quality I think I have always had. It comes naturally for me but often I simply choose to ignore it out of hurt or spite or anger. But eventually, however hard I try, I start to consider things from the other persons perspective and reason, excuse and justify their actions. I am unsure how you can be empathetic and resilient at the same time. How do you protect yourself and stand up for yourself if you can see why the other person is causing you harm?

Anyway, as usual the end result of this is that I am once again alone – not literally, I have a housemate (though she is moving out) and a dog now and cats and a family and a smattering of friends. However that isn’t really what feeling alone is about is it? Its about loss of connection. You can be surrounded by people but if none of them really connect with you- then lonliness seeps in like a slow enduring rot.

So what is the solution? Meet new people? Seek new connections? Seek a new home. They say home is where the heart is but my heart belongs to someone who doesn’t want it so I am homeless. My family certainly doesn’t give me a sense of home. Our beliefs, interests and values are so juxtaposed that there has never been anything but disconnection there.

So maybe a fresh start? A whole new place a whole new country even. A new career, anything? I feel like I am drowning in the familiar and suffocating from the boredom of day to day life. I simply trudge through the week attempting to make it to the weekend but then when it comes you have nothing but more emptiness that actually brings you lower than the enforced day to day work life.

Its sad, I can literally feel myself wanting to shake myself and say all the usual cliché’s.. I want to scream- but you are in control of your own life. You can do anything, be anything the world is your oyster, don’t waste it. God knows I am very aware of those now passed who would have loved the opportunity for the time I have.

But I feel paralysed by the uncertainty. I have no deep set passion to do anything, all I feel passionate about is not wanting this to be my life. However, without a direction to go in what do you do? Give up the stability of an income and a career is scarey. But is it scarier than another 5 years passing you by doing this?

My fear is that I will never be happy. Its funny I spend so much time telling mr x how he avoids happiness, how he runs from it, pushes it away like a revulsion. However, I really am no better. I too do not appear to be able to achieve happy and when I do I pick at it like a scab until its gone. I feel uncomfortable being happy, because I know what it feels like on the other side when you lose it. The comedown is always around the corner.

I cannot think of a time when I was last happy. Maybe happy is the wrong word- I have been excited, elated, I have laughed and I have had fleeting feelings of pride but not ..content. I suppose I don’t strive to be happy per se, that’s unachievable. I simply want to feel content, happy with my lot. To look at my life and know its not all amazing but I am pleased to be where I am and not afraid if it stays that way.

Yet I fear content at the same time. What if content gets boring? I’ve never sustained happy or content well. The trouble is no matter where I am I bring myself along. The pessimist, the over thinker, the critic..all the things that destroy happiness and content are embedded in my personality. I do believe I am also kind, thoughtful have the ability to be caring and loving…but I am in a constant battle to redeem myself with these traits from my more natural state of being- negative.

I am scared if I am honest. Terrified that I am not cut out to deal with life. The simple stresses and strains that everyone else takes on the chin overwhelm me at times. I just don’t understand how everyone else does it. I find life exhausting, I find being me, exhausting.

Two cats a dog and a tumble drier.

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The title of this blog is basically the sum total of the possessions in my life- and the dog isn’t even mine yet.

I am currently in Devon in a beautiful cottage with a puppy that I was hoping I would build an unbreakable bond with.

I had him last weekend and we his fear bonded him to me and I felt needed and wanted in a way I have been longing- but I also felt fear, of commitment, of rejection of the unknown that comes with owning a puppy. Will he turn into a nightmare pup, how big will he get, will he stop me living my life? My concerns were not helped by the friedns and family who doubted my ability to cope.

In particular Mr Ex and my parents. To be honest my parents were not a huge surprise. They seem incapable of being poisitve about anything in my life. My mother insists on instilling this odd suit of armour which is frankly an extension of my own brain- to expect and prepare for the worse as its more than likely to happen. So if it does you’re prepared and if it doesn’t you are surprised. It is only recently that I have realised that this is where my negative thinking stems from. In CBT they tell you that our depression and anger are evolutionary ways of or subconscious protecting ourselves. The ultimate body guard. The cave man who walks past the moving grass and assumes its wind may get eaten, the one who avoids it in fear and thinks the worst – that it may be a lion- is safe regardless as he goes the other way. But who has the better life? Who experiences and sees more?

My mother has instilled this in my brain. I find it impossible not to approach good news or a potentially rewarding situation without tredpedation and fear. The second I get that buzz of adrenaline, I direct it to self preservation- what if it all goes wrong, what is my plan b, and at its worst- how can avoid this potentially good situation at all costs because its too risky and I may get hurt. Generally I approach life with a safety blanket always in place.

So when I announced I was going to get a dog, my parents immediate reaction of ‘ oh god this is a terrible idea’ was hardly surprising. They set me up to expect to fail, to be prepared for it not working out. So what did I do- I went out and bought a puppy guide, I learnt and researched every scenario- I ate,pted to puppy proof my house and bullet proof my decision.

Unsurprisingly it hasn’t worked. If it were just my parents I would cope but Mr X- yes he is still somehow on the scene- also sowed the seed of doubt. The man who has always been supportive and encouraged me in every decision, said it was a bad idea. So I immediately freaked the hell out!! However, what do I do when someone doubts me- do it anyway but brace for the worst.

So came my first weekend with pup- it went swimmingly- he was obedient, fun, loving, yet I could not connect. I couldn’t understand why. Was he the wrong dog, was I the wrong owner, was he too old? No the reality is my brain was subconsciously blocking me from bonding because it might all fail.

A week later, I missed the pup, the feeling of having someone who looked forward ot seeing me, missed meif I weren’t there and to cuddle. So I booked a weekend in Devon to bond. This was going to be my big moment. Just the two of us, I would return with a best friend and prove everyone wrong and also prove to myself that I didn’t need a man or family I had all the company I needed. Me and the dog.

Well needless to say it didn’t go to plan. We set off yesterday and he wouldn’t get in the car or even leave his owners property. Once I had got him in the car and set off, he was spectacularly car sick- expected. So When we arrived at the cottage I let him run loose- big mistake! The obedient and loving pup had decided he was his own boss and charged around refusing to get into the house.

I woke up this morning and he was limping, I could only assume from the charging around but it meant a trip to the vets via another car sick journey and then an accident on the vets floor. The vet said it was a suspected fracture and advised bed rest until we returned home tomorrow. So that was that- a sick pup, a wasted holiday and more to the point a bond that lays broken.

As I sit here typing he is in the kitchen and viewing me with total contempt. I had the commitment ‘fear’ on my first night here and panicked that I was supposed ot have him for a week and what was I doing.

I couldn’t understand why, ntil I started reading Brene Brown’s book ‘Daring Greatly’ and realised it was because I am pinning so much on the bond with this pup.

Mr ex has made me feel completely unlovable and unworthy, my parents have made me feel untrustworthy and incapable, my friends- due to the sagas of mr x- have made me feel insecure and unlikeable…so here came a solution. A puppy, an animal and best friend who is capable of unconditional love regardless of my thoughts feelings or actions in my life. But along with that came to fear, the fear that I would not bond, that this dog that is supposed to love you would not like me- and low and behold, that’s is what has happened. Through no fault of his own, circumstance has rallied against us and left me in the lounge and him in the kitchen hating life with me.

He goes home tomorrow- back to the bosom of his brother and mum, he will be happy, I have no fear for his future…however, I worry about mine. How do I overcome the notion that even the most simple relationship of man and dog won’t seemingly work for me- what hope do I have. I needed a point to get up in the morning. My flatmate said the other day she feels as if she is waiting for her life to begin…but she isn’t sure what she is waiting on. I feel the same. I thought his was aprt of me taking back that control, but I lost it. So what now?

Spring forward

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Well it’s been a while since I wrote on here. Its not been a good start to 2015!

So lets rewind back to Christmas. 2014 was the first year I have dreaded Christmas. Usually its the most wonderful time of the year but last year, it seemed to have a black cloud above it. The first christmas I have been single in over 8 years.

However, there was a ray of sunshine in the form of Mr x. Where last year we met and i had a magical festive time texting until 5am..now we had ended up in a weird limbo and had reached our one year non year anniversary. We went for a drink a the lido and after a long romantic talk- the impossible happened. We left to walk home and he turned around to ask me out. Yes he actually asked me to be his girlfriend. I swear I nearly fainted!!! Was this really happening? Had this whole year finally been worth it, was it going to be a romantic christmas after all and a new start for a new year?

So after saying yes (obviously) I dropped him at my flat as I had an appointment and immediately texted everyone I knew the good news. But something didn’t feel right- it didn’t seem real!

I grabbed a bottle of prosecco and pizza to return home with as we had agreed to spend our first night together as boyfriend and girlfriend. However, when I got home, my worst fears were realised. He was acting strange and freaking out.

He said we needed to talk and said it didn’t feel right and he couldn’t do it and he was sorry but he couldn’t go out with me. Honestly, its like being told you have won the lottery and then realising you read the numbers wrong. My heart was ripped out but yet at the same time I didn’t feel suprised- just outraged.

He said he should leave and so I sent him packing with the huge box of presents I had bought him for christmas (11 presents each representing a different aspect of his personality) – he looked like a told off school boy and left telling me he loved me. I mean WTF!

So christmas came and I ignored all contact- and he did try, many times. By Boxing day the guilt got to me and I cracked, I texted to explain I hadn’t opened his present as I had left it in Bristol. He responded with small talk and I soon uncovered he was on his way back to Bristol having had a huge row with his mum and left her packing up the decorations and in tears. This boy!

So after convincing him that however annoying parents are, at christmas we have to suck it up and make nice for a few days so he should head back as he will only feel guilty. So he did but then asked if I woudl come with him!!! Being the idiot I am and int he face of being driven insane by my parents and not he brink of having my own outburst at home, I agreed.

So there I found myself. Sat outside his mums house. About to meet the mother in law I will never have and see the boy who has made my dreams come true and then instantly crushed them within an hour. A record!

I met him at the door and had the most bizarre boxing day I have ever had. His mum was lovely, nervous but very sweet and eager to please. Mr x decided to be very couply with me and was hugging and kissing me in front of his mum so my head was left spinning.  I drove home at midnight against the rain and hail and wondered what was next.

Well, what came next was silence. He once again freaked and pushed me away. I decided I could take no more and could not face spending new years in Bristol or at home.If I was going to be alone i may as well be somewhere nice. So I booked a cottage in Devon (a plan me and mr x had originally had before the dumping incident).

So I packed my bags, filled the car with enough alcohol to induce a happy coma and enough food to make me obese and left. I felt sad and happy all at once. empowered maybe. I was doing this on my own, I was going to spend a week in the stunning countryside taking pictures, watching movies, getting up at midday if I wanted staying up till I wanted, drinking when I wanted…it was going to be bliss. Or so I thought.

I was admiring the tranquility of the countryside, the way the first made the trees look like a winter wonderland when I hit ice. My car span out of control and I left the road and ploughed head first into a mud bank.

when I got my bearings and realised I was in fact in one piece, I got out of the car and assessed the damage. It was bad. very bad.

Alone and freezing i called the police and the AA and waiting for an hour to be rescued. The police arrived and very kindly sat me in their car to warm up. Meanwhile my phone was ringing off the hook with Mr x. He had seen my picture I had posted on instagram (an hour is a long time to wait and I got very bored). The messages came flooding through- I’m sorry, call me, I love you, where are you?, are you ok? Eventually I texted to say I woudl call him when I was near a phone at the cottage as my battery was about to die.

So hours late I arrived at my idyllic cottage and dragged my poor broken car to its door. I dragged my broken self (bad whiplash) inside and looked around. I wanted to cry, the shock was wearing off now I was safe and the reality that I was now also stranded in Devon without a car.

I called Mr X and he insisted that he immediately drove to be with me and bring me food. An unnecessary kindness considering the amount of food I had brought with me but a gesture that I needed. I tried fighting it, saying I didn’t want him to come just because I had an accident…I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted him there or not. But he came and 2 hours later he was at my door telling me how much he loved me.

So the week changed. It was no longer about me and my head space. It became about us and what we were doing.

We went for a long walk on the beach where he reminded me how it wouldn’t work between us. I listened and couldn’t respond. He had asked me to save his boxing day, then pushed me away, then come all this way to be my white knight and pushed me away again. So what could I do. He said he would have loved me to go to Australia with him in March but he knows I don’t fit in there, ( thanks for asking!) the whole conversation once again flagged up he has no idea what he wants. I tried to explain he always wants what he can’t have. the grass will always be greener and I fear he has put Australia on a pedastool and once there, still won’t be happy. He spends so long worrying about repeating the past int he future that he never actually lives in the moment and appreciates or considers what and where he is now.

This seemed to be a revelation to him and he decided to live in the moment and we agreed that this week would be just that. Living for now, enjoying now and making the most of it. So we did. We had a lovely week of movies, great food, walks and sex. It was fantastic, our own little bubble.

However, once back in reality, the bubble burst again eventually. We had turned a corner, he told me he could finally see a future in the UK…but it didn’t last. The hot and cold carried on.So much for a new year and new start.

Then came Valentines day. Things has been great in January and then he started to back off. Australlia and V.day were both fast approaching and both held a lot of expectation and fear.

After taking me out for two lovely mess, two days in a row and a lovely weekend.He went silent for no reason and I didn’t see him on V.day but a few days later I met him to give him his card and present and  he suggested we meet to talk.

We had spoken on text previously and he had told me that the reason for his distance was fear of losing himself. That he had gotten too close and needed to push me away as he would fall for me and lose himself…so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

So I arrived at his flat to a candlelit meal. He was distant but friendly, but not affectionate. We talked about him and turning 30 and his approaching holiday to Australia. We cuddled on the sofa and he said we needed to talk but I didn’t want to. I had made my mind up to write him a letter to give with a journal I had bought for his travels and 30th. It was a personalised one with the adventures of Mr x on the front. The idea was to set him free to see what this really is. If the grass was greener for him, so he could go to Australia and see what lay in store. I essentially wanted him to weigh up the options and make an informed choice and not feel like he has any ties to me to do that. Sounds insane but the logo was that if he did chose us or me, it had to be 100% from him and not due to guilt, duty or fear.

However, things didn’t go to plan. He decided to end it there and then, he told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, that something was missing. When I tried to reason what was missing was an actual relationship, it didn’t seem to hit home. He brought up the surfing and diving again, told me I wasn’t adventurous enough (gee thanks, ignore the sky diving, snowboarding, couch surfing me then).

I got angry, really angry, I cried in front of him for the first time. I was so hurt that the reasons he was using to say it wouldn’t work were all false claims. He had never seen the whole me, insisting instead to pigeon hole me into this mistress that on;y saw him behind closed doors. Without the freedom to socialise, have fun, go on holiday, how could I ever show him that side? I have never seen that side of him either, only heard about it but I don’t deny it of him.

So I got mad and slammed a door on the way to the bathroom. When I came out he flew at me. Threw my bag and boots out the door and demanded I leave. He shoved me, called me a psycho like his ex and lost the plot. Oddly I wasn’t scared I just saw a guy hugely angry with himself and his solution was to lash out at me. It doesn’t make it right or forgivable but I could see this wasn’t malice, it was pain.

I refused to leave and eventually convinced him to calm down and hug me as I didn’t want to leave him in that angry state. He did and said I wasn’t like his ex as she never loved him and said he was sorry. Then I left.

The following day he asked if we could go for a walk and I was so hurt and angry I ignored it. I took the day off work and hid under a duvet sobbing most of the day. He tried calling and gave up and texted to ay he wanted to apologise to my face but if I wouldn’t talk to him then so be it.

I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the week. I pondered over whether to give him the journal and letter. It all seemed so insignificant now. Fraudulent even. However, I realised if I didn’t give it to him I would always wonder what would have happened if I had. I was scared to re-open the wound and get rejected again…but I could live with that more than the regret and ‘what if’.

So I dropped it into his work and waited. A few hours later I got a text saying thank you and asking to meet. I was away so couldn’t but he asked to call at the airport. He was leaving that night! I couldn’t believe it, I was so convinced it wasn’t for a few days and had I not dropped the journal in when I had he would never had gotten it before he left. Maybe it was meant to be.

He called int he evening and we made small talk. He thanked me for the journal and the letter but was very cold. I felt it was over. We agreed to talk through the letter when he gets back. But I am not sure i want to.

He has only been away for a few days now and its torture. I spend everyday thinking about him. However, when he gets back it will have been a month of distance between us. Maybe by then I will be some way to getting out of this unrequited love and moving on.

If we talk, will it take me back to square one and I will be in misery again. Who knows…time will tell.

Relationship via squatters rights

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I read a great analogy recently. That sticking in there with a guy who won’t commit may pay off in the end. but if it does, will you ever be able to be happy, knowing you had to talk him into it ? If the months pass you by and you are essentially together without the verbal commitment, if he finally comes to his senses, have you not simply acquired a boyfriend via squatters rights?

Is this what I want? It does pose a very topical dilemma. My Ex has just set off for yet another foreign adventure. Before he left, we spent every night together happily playing ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ but with the underlying ruth that we are not in fact together, The slips of ‘so you think I’d leave you for a prettier girl’ well we aren’t together so how can you’leave me’. Or “I don’t want to be that guy, the one who has never seen his…His what M Ex, girlfriend? Because the reality is, we basically are together.

He continues to freak out about the idea of commitment. Swinging like a monkey between two vines- one that states its because he doesn’t want to get hurt(or hurt anyone) and a fear he will and the other projecting into the future about a mystery ‘dream’ relationship that he could be missing out on if he were to commit to me. Recently he admitted he did see a future with us, and most of the time wanted one, but there was another part of him which wondered what woudl happen if we got together and someone else interesting came along for either of us, woudl we be missing out. Well I tried pointing out that the only reason people cheat is because something is missing front heir current relationship that they get from elsewhere- otherwise why would you stray- if you have steak at home why look for a burger? 

Obviously this terrifies me. I feel the longer we deliberate what could be and what may or may not work, the more damage is done that means if we ever were to make it official I would never trust him. Or be continually concerned he didn’t really want to be there. Which is what has stopped me from trying to push it and convince him to step up or step out. Because if he agrees to try because I asked, then its not from him. 

So here I am at the beginning of another week of no contact with him. there is no internet where he is so at least I can’t stare at my phone or the internet wondering why he hasn’t called. And he is there for work not on a jolly without me like Mr Blue used to do. So its fine. I just wish I had that one thing that would make me sleep at night- knowing i am missing someone who is mine. Knowing that when I am thinking of him he is thinking of me not someone else…

the little things

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It terrifies me to consider how I feel. The reason is simple, despite all human logic, when we let ourselves be open to falling in love we give up control. We have to lean into the uncertainty, have faith to leap into the abyss and accept that someone else now has a certain control over our happiness.

Its the sacrifice and risk we take and thats why its called ‘falling’ in love because when you hit the ground it can hurt. I struggle to reconcile my romantic ideals with the reality of what life has dealt so far- as I know you do- but I cant, no matter how hard I try, extinguish that hope, that desire, to share a life with someone as I just fundamentally feel that without Love, whats the point. But that means giving in to it. Facing the fear and doing it anyway.

Its not easy, its not to be taken lightly but its part of human existence and to a degree, the irony , its beyond our control. We spend so much time attempting to protect ourselves, fearing the pain we might feel the hurt we could be subjecting ourselves to if we follow our hearts. However, in reality, we can’t stop ourselves falling in love anymore than you can make yourself fall in love or stop yourself falling out of love. By its very being, love is an uncontrollable force. Trying to trap it, force it or ignore it, is like trying to hold onto air.

For me, its always been the spontaneous little moments that I notice like the way he will kiss my hand or pull me into him when we spoon, The way he will go straight for stroking my feet because I told him once I liked it, or the way he lines line haribo up on my leg when we watch a movie and always give me the hearts, or know that I like a pillow to rest my head on when I cuddle and when he has to turn away he will entangle his feet in mine so we still touch.

These things are the things that matter- equally the memories are always the little ones, the kiss in the rain, the night on a sofa watching christmas movies but more importantly the morning after when he pulled me under his duvet and said he didn’t want to get up, the fact that on christmas eve he went out of his way to sit in a random pub and cuddle, the morning he crept into my bed and told me he was were addicted to being in my arms and had been waiting for me to wake up and the walk on the beach that felt like a new beginning. , the support he gave me calling me every night while I was learning to swim and letting me wake up to a text that brightened my day …all these things and so many many more, they all account for how I feel.

Equally I love his quirks and traits, his obessive nature over things and the unboundless enthusiasm he throws at them, the way his smile lights up a room just and he will talk to anyone and everyone who will listen, the passion he has for the things he loves, like surfing and diving and the willingness to share with me his most personal thoughts, dreams and fears. They are what matter to me, not the rest. Those are the things I will remember and those are the reasons that every time he told me he no longer had feelings or didn’t want to be with me, I found it hard to believe. Those are the things I will remember no matter what

addicted to drama scared of commitment??

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So I haven’t updated this in a while. Quick re-cap. I now have a job but the decision to take it has led me to some revelations about me and my thought process.

So as with all jobs, nothing for ages then two come at once. Not he one hand, I had a corporate style company chasing me, wooing me with words and compliments, attempting to entice me into their ranks. On the other, I had the small independent company I was currently, temporarily, working for. They didn’t seem too bothered if I stayed, I received no compliments about the work I had already done or about me as an employee. On top of that the corporate company had a long term contract on the table, the small indie- could only offer a limited level of commitment with no guarantees.

So which one did I pick- the indie of course. My best friend pointed out the parallels between this decision and my love life. My strange ability to pursue the impossible, to choose the guys who treat me badly, take me for granted and offer no future or commitment. So I began wondering why is that?

Am I commitment phobic? Well having at least 3 long term relationships and a mortgage under my belt…I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse. HOWEVER- no relationship was ever guaranteed and I never saw a genuine clear future with any of these. I bought a flat with Mr Blue but drew up a contract that had a clear cut get out clause and ensured if we wanted to bail out, we could rent the flat and still be ok. I made a risky decision, I dipped a toe in commitment, but always with a back up or get out plan. I had made sure it was safe, low risk and not binding. Proven only by my subsequent walking out of the relationship and handing over the flat and all my belongings to Mr Blue I wanted to start over.

So back to my job decision. I stuck with the company I was already working for- safe/easy. I took the short term contract- a get out if it goes wrong and I took the one who didn’t flatter or make promises- honesty and safety in the negative (it can’t get worse- things can only get better).

I suppose this is the same with Mr Ex. He can’t offer me a future. In fact he has insisted for months that he cannot commit to me, yet I pursue it. I take the hits and keep coming back. My friends look on in despair, insisting I am stopping myself from being potentially happy with someone who treats me well, who wants to be with me, who would love me.

The question is, why do I insist on staying with these boys. I can only assume its the same rationale as the job. I stay with these guys because I am familiar with the pain, with the misery, with the hopeless quest. I know the outcome. I will end up broken hearted, they will never change and I will continue to hope they always will. It sounds insane even writing this but in the chaos is logic.

What is the alternative? Losing yourself with someone who makes you happy? The fairytale ending- this so rarely happens I can’t seem to pursue it. Its odd because I crave it- I do- I dream of it in fact. However, in reality, the real world, its like trying to believe in Santa when you know he isn’t real.

I find comfort in the drama and I think on some level I get addicted to the hope. The highs are higher because of the lowest lows. What I fear the most is monotony and routine. I dread being bored, I run from commitment because I think I like not knowing whats coming next. Rather than stability I think I crave safe instability. I have money, I know I can be unemployed and still pay the bills and have a roof over my head, all the while, the chance for pastures new, adventures etc remain constantly on the horizon.

The same seems to be with my relationships. Even the last 5 years with Mr Blue- I tore myself apart over our instability, over him leaving constantly, the never ending anxiety over whether we had a future. While in the end, I left because I hated not being able to plan the future. What I craved, what I needed, was to feel that underneath all the arguments, the stresses of life that everyone and every relationship faces, there was a fundamental love. An unrelenting bond that gave me the safety to express myself and not fear that it would push him away. I never had that- I had no control, no safety net, so I tied myself up in knots trying to keep him and please him and make myself someone I’m not.

But why? I clearly didn’t want to stay, I must have known it was going no where. But maybe I found comfort in that. comfort in the certainty it was going no where rather than the uncertainty happiness brings. Where does that go? What guarantees does that bring? It brings certainty that someone can rip out your heart and destroy you. Once you give in to the happy- you are vulnerable and I don’t care what people say about not letting others control your happiness- when you are in love that is exactly what you are doing. You are handing over control of your emotions to someone else.

So the question is- what happens if Mr ex turns around one day and says lets do it- woudl I run a mile? Am I only so infatuated because of the drama and chaos and the certainty that it will end unhappily?

this is where I am right now. Mr ex has taken an odd turn. After two very happy weeks, he flipped and asked for space to think. 3 days later we met back up and he said he had missed me and how people at work had commented how happy he had been up to that point, but happiness scares him- for all the same reasons as me. Suddenly you have something to lose.

So the past week we have been back on seeing each other terms and both, seemingly , very happy- but also both equally terrified. I feel in a state of constant terror that it will be taken away but its a feeling i am used to. A feeling i possibly even thrive from. What happens if we were to become just an ordinary couple? Doing boring ordinary things? Where would the drama and the highest highs come from- would it plateau?

Well I suppose I may never find out.

You tell me that you are different
I’ll be saved and I’ll be lifted
It’s not easy but I’m trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I’m high and dry
Every time I think I’m one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you’re gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you’re gone